loving from afar.

I believe that there are different ways we show our love to others. One way I have been doing this, especially for my parents and brother, is to shield them from my bad experiences. They have no idea about the multiple rapes, being drugged, enduring abusive relationships and sexual experiences. I find lying easier. Unfortunately, being very used to lie to my loved ones causes me to continue to lie to others without thinking. This heavily impacted my previous relationship, who could see through my lies. Within my current relationship, I try to not lie so much, however there is still so much he doesn’t know.

 

I am selfish.

I have been going to counseling since I was 16 years old. I was actually forced/pushed/encouraged to go by my former boyfriend. He was worried when I revealed my incidents to him and how I chose to deal with it. I regret still hurting myself even though he tried his best to give me all the support he could. I was selfish. I wanted his attention. I wanted him to love me more by revealing my experiences. After all these years and occurrences, he is still the only man (not related to) who remained in my life. I care for him so much and love him.

Let me update you so far

hello.

I created this blog as an attempt to provide myself an outlet, to voice out how I am REALLY doing.

As of this moment, I am lying on my bed next to my bottle of Merlot, trying to make this pain in my chest go away. I had a boring day at work, I have no idea why I am still working there, well other than the money and keeping myself busy. I had a Turkey sub for lunch, a stupid try to continue with my diet, which was officially destroyed after a dinner of spring rolls and chocolate cake. Why do I even bother fooling myself really.

My sweetheart just informed me that he signed his sales contract today.

Tomorrow will hopefully be a better day, I will see my therapist (which better make up for how broken I felt since the last time I saw her), and then have some drinks with a friend I haven’t seen for a while.