Rape can be the making of you

Sexual abuse and rape can be the making, not the breaking of you | Lydia Ward | TEDxLeamingtonSpa

Main takeaways
1. In order to survive, you have to choose it
2. You need to have courage, to say, “This is what happened to me”
– Opening up to someone may feel like they will overwhelm you, but the more you say it, you begin to take back control because you are not hanging on to the secret anymore
3. You need to learn it is okay to speak up and say it
4. Holding on to this secret will one day break you
5. Your weakest spot is your source of power and strength
6. When someone wants to share their story with you, the only thing you need to do is listen. You don’t need to find the right words and come up with solutions. Your greatest gift to them is to listen. What they need the most is to be able to share their story. Listening is the greatest gift.
7. All we survivors want the most in the world is to be listened too and be believed.

**Take back the power that was taken from you

My vision for my support group is to be able to one day meet up and share our stories with each other, bring each other up, support each other, and be proud of each other.

 

Happy to hear your thoughts on the video, and if you have any advice on how to start a sexual abuse/rape survivor support group.

Advertisements

Give praise instead of pity to victims of sexual abuse

I watched this tedx video that focused on the reasons sexual survivors choose not to share their experiences or talk about it. They receive pity, or “Dont focus on the past, look forward” or “Stop talking about it” or “it’s been a year since it happened, get over it already” or “why does this keep happening to you”. I’ve recieved those statements, and if you’re reading this and heard that after crying your heart out to someone, we both know that this shuts us up. We stop sharing. We stop talking. That courage we had to tell someone, to talk about it, to release it, stops. Not speaking about it causes something to build up inside you, makes your feel shitty or that you’re so unworthy, and if this continues, you start to isolate yourself from the world, even worse contemplate about not wanting to live anymore.

I’m here to share this video with you. https://youtu.be/rQ4RoldUzHc

The next time someone says any of those statements, confront them and remind them of how difficult this was to share, and that instead of talking to you like that they should be praising you, and encouraging you instead. You’ve been through horrible things and you’re still here. You deserve praise, encouragement, a congratulations that despite what happened that you are still here, choosing to live on. I recommend you to remind yourself as often as you can, on how far you’ve come, and to praise yourself and be proud of yourself.

I’ve recently decided to open a support group for sexual abuse survivors, a safe place to talk about your experiences with no interruption and no judgement. I hope to eventually create a network of resources to support each other on how we deal with our experiences, in the form of mental counseling and advice from lawyers

I’ve started this blog a few years ago, where I focused on my pain. But today, on April 22nd, 2019, I choose the path to recovery, to happiness, to no more shame on who I am. This blog will focus on that journey. I want to thank those who commented and messaged me the past years to offer support, I may not have replied but I read your messages and I truly appreciate them. Thank you all.

2019 be proud of me

an update. me and my boyfriend of 3 years broke up last November. he couldn’t handle his problems, our long distance wasn’t working out, our connection was dying.

have a string of one night stands and dating around.

what I’ve realised.

I am not okay being someone’s housewife. I want someone who understands my emotional damages especially my experiences of being raped, going to court, losing, attempted suicide, etc. , and for that person to understand how that affects me but not to pity me. I do not want your pity. I want your support. I want you to see how much stronger I’ve become, encourage me to continue fighting on, be proud of me.

also to this year 2019.

Dear 2019,

2018 was full of shit. 2017 too. I’ve made mistakes and I still am, but I’m learning.

I realised, I’m not ready for a serious live in relationship but I have a desire to be with someone as well, have consensual amazing sex with, deep meaningful conversations and life experiences.

to be continued.

They knew.

I met my first rapist when I was 13. Ironically, through church. He was 17, nearly 18 that time. We were in a relationship. We did stuff. Remember I was 13. By law, in my country, legally I am not old enough to consent. My parents found out. They knew. They knew he fucked me. They knew. They confronted him later on. But oh. They didn’t go to the police. Even after knowing what he did to me. They didn’t seek justice for what he did to me. Oh. And he’s still alive. Having a normal life. He got away thanks go my loving father and mother. Thank you so much mom and dad. I love you both so much.

Papers 

It’s been more then a month since he was released. It’s such a strange feeling.

I found my court papers last night and read through my statements. I recalled my experience of sitting though the hearing. I remember shaking and wanting to vomit as I was escorted by the police to the court house.

I remember being led to a room where I read though my statements. I made a timeline of the night.

I remember the knock on the door. And the staff who told me it was my turn on the stand.

There was this sinking feeling in my stomach. My heart was racing, my hands were sweaty.

I remember walking in. The eyes of the judge, lawyers and the rest of the court.

She asked me about my religion then put a Roman Catholic Bible in my hand.

Liar 

I hate you. I hope you die a painful death. I fucking hate you and those on your side. I hate you, I hate you. I hate what you did. I hate what you caused. I hate everything about you. I hope you are gone forever. I hope one day you get what you deserved. You don’t deserve to just walk away like nothing happened. I deserve to restore my dignity bitch. I lost my entire respect for you and those who protect you. Coward. Have fun hiding for the rest of your life. You know what you really happened. You can try rewriting the story. Continue lying to everyone. To your friends, your parents, your lovers, your future kids. When you make a mistake you should  own up to it, asshole. You forced me to go through the entire process, humiliated me. In front of all those people. What will you tell your daughters one day? Your mother? Your sister?  

Fuck you. 

My humiliation. 

You loved fucking me hard. I saw it in your eyes when you shoved me, slapped me, spit on me, peed on me, humiliated me. You loved to choke me until my eyes turned red and I was close to fainting. You pleasured in my degradation. I was your whore, stupid whore. This was how you called me. You rarely complimented me. At times, it satisfied me. At times, it was too much. But I was scared to tell you to stop. I thought I wouldn’t be enough for you. I thought you would leave me. I remember finding bruises and red marks on my body. I showed them to you. You did not react. You didn’t apologize. It happened again. I tried to view it as sexy to have be marked by you. And believed that. The pain and soreness afterwards. 

I did not and still do not blame you. I thought I was helping you with your issues. I was your punching bag to release your stress, hurts, and childhood traumas. I loved you. I wanted to help you recover.