I had a conversation with my friends last night, they claim that I recycle my exes and have a hard time letting go of them. There are only two individuals right now, whom I can say that I have had a hard time distancing myself from them (emotionally). It’s funny, the reasons we broke up had something to do with the fact that we were not in the same country and had no immediate plans to be together. Of course, we had personality clashes and such. But I realise that it is more than that. My most recent past relationship was very painful for me to experience, I would describe it as if I was riding a roller coaster. He was eight years older than me, but we were on similar place in our life, career wise at least, still starting out due to his early struggles.
He was an exchange student at my university, and we started of as friends. To be honest, I was more interested in his friend because I felt that he was too old for me. We spent a lot of time together, studying together, eating together, going to horse racing and such. We even cuddled without going further. We opened up to each other and we clicked really well. Despite our age difference, cultural clashes, different family situations and such. I guess we bonded speaking about each others’ past pains and experiences, well he spoke more than me. We even had a little argument on who was more fucked up. He spent a lot of time travelling to nearby countries, and I got busy with school and stuff. I dated a few other guys too cause I thought he wasn’t interested in me like that.
I missed him when he would travel and really look forward to his return. When he came back from a really long trip, I remember going to his room to see him and he pulled me to his bed.He hugged me and we lay down sleeping a little, while I was in his arms. After some time, we kissed, and kissed some more. It started going further till we realised we had no contraception. After some time of frustrating him, we went to the grocery store to purchase some condoms and bread. The whole ordeal was so funny.
After going back to the room, we started becoming intimate again, until I realised he had difficulty. He was on top of me trying to penetrate me but he couldn’t, he looked like he was in pain, I told him to stop and that he doesn’t need to. I remember him giving him and him collapsing on me, so I hugged him tightly in my arms. It was so devastating for me to see him in so much pain, then I realised that his experiences had a big impact on him. I was still so happy to hug him, to cuddle this man on top of me, who at that time, I felt like he was a little boy. I felt protective of him. The next weeks were similar, we spent a lot fo time together, event travelled to a nearby city. He eventually was able to “perform” and I even noticed how he liked to dominate. We spent so much time with each other, he ditched his friends for me, until his last day in my city. It was very hard for me to experience, because I had no idea when I would see him again. I wrote him a surprise letter and hid it in his passport. I told him that he could add me on Skype if he wanted and I said that I love him. I couldn’t bring him to the airport. He wasn’t active on social media so I would have very little way of maintaining communication with him unless he wanted to.