Say something. pt 1

I had a conversation with my friends last night, they claim that I recycle my exes and have a hard time letting go of them. There are only two individuals right now, whom I can say that I have had a hard time distancing myself from them (emotionally). It’s funny, the reasons we broke up had something to do with the fact that we were not in the same country and had no immediate plans to be together. Of course, we had personality clashes and such. But I realise that it is more than that. My most recent past relationship was very painful for me to experience, I would describe it as if I was riding a roller coaster. He was eight years older than me, but we were on similar place in our life, career wise at least, still starting out due to his early struggles.

He was an exchange student at my university, and we started of as friends. To be honest, I was more interested in his friend because I felt that he was too old for me. We spent a lot of time together, studying together, eating together, going to horse racing and such. We even cuddled without going further. We opened up to each other and we clicked really well. Despite our age difference, cultural clashes, different family situations and such. I guess we bonded speaking about each others’ past pains and experiences, well he spoke more than me. We even had a little argument on who was more fucked up. He spent a lot of time travelling to nearby countries, and I got busy with school and stuff. I dated a few other guys too cause I thought he wasn’t interested in me like that.

I missed him when he would travel and really look forward to his return. When he came back from a really long trip, I remember going to his room to see him and he pulled me to his bed.He hugged me and we lay down sleeping a little, while I was in his arms. After some time, we kissed, and kissed some more. It started going further till we realised we had no contraception. After some time of frustrating him, we went to the grocery store to purchase some condoms and bread. The whole ordeal was so funny.

After going back to the room, we started becoming intimate again, until I realised he had difficulty. He was on top of me trying to penetrate me but he couldn’t, he looked like he was in pain, I told him to stop and that he doesn’t need to. I remember him giving him and him collapsing on me, so I hugged him tightly in my arms. It was so devastating for me to see him in so much pain, then I realised that his experiences had a big impact on him. I was still so happy to hug him, to cuddle this man on top of me, who at that time, I felt like he was a little boy. I felt protective of him. The next weeks were similar, we spent a lot fo time together, event travelled to a nearby city. He eventually was able to “perform” and I even noticed how he liked to dominate. We spent so much time with each other, he ditched his friends for me, until his last day in my city. It was very hard for me to experience, because I had no idea when I would see him again. I wrote him a surprise letter and hid it in his passport. I told him that he could add me on Skype if he wanted and I said that I love him. I couldn’t bring him to the airport. He wasn’t active on social media so I would have very little way of maintaining communication with him unless he wanted to.

Advertisements

loving from afar.

I believe that there are different ways we show our love to others. One way I have been doing this, especially for my parents and brother, is to shield them from my bad experiences. They have no idea about the multiple rapes, being drugged, enduring abusive relationships and sexual experiences. I find lying easier. Unfortunately, being very used to lie to my loved ones causes me to continue to lie to others without thinking. This heavily impacted my previous relationship, who could see through my lies. Within my current relationship, I try to not lie so much, however there is still so much he doesn’t know.

 

I am selfish.

I have been going to counseling since I was 16 years old. I was actually forced/pushed/encouraged to go by my former boyfriend. He was worried when I revealed my incidents to him and how I chose to deal with it. I regret still hurting myself even though he tried his best to give me all the support he could. I was selfish. I wanted his attention. I wanted him to love me more by revealing my experiences. After all these years and occurrences, he is still the only man (not related to) who remained in my life. I care for him so much and love him.

Let me update you so far

hello.

I created this blog as an attempt to provide myself an outlet, to voice out how I am REALLY doing.

As of this moment, I am lying on my bed next to my bottle of Merlot, trying to make this pain in my chest go away. I had a boring day at work, I have no idea why I am still working there, well other than the money and keeping myself busy. I had a Turkey sub for lunch, a stupid try to continue with my diet, which was officially destroyed after a dinner of spring rolls and chocolate cake. Why do I even bother fooling myself really.

My sweetheart just informed me that he signed his sales contract today.

Tomorrow will hopefully be a better day, I will see my therapist (which better make up for how broken I felt since the last time I saw her), and then have some drinks with a friend I haven’t seen for a while.