gone

I imagined what would happen if I killed myself. Who would be the first to find out. Who would care. Who wouldn’t. Who would show up to my funeral. Whether I would be buried or cremated. 

I even thought about leaving my final messages to several people. Their reaction when they receive my videos. And whether they would satisfy my final requests. 

I wonder what I would even want to say to them. I haven’t spoke to some of these people for a long time. 

These people would be:

NE

BL 

KA 

KT 

GK 

HH

SNA

TO

MK

DE

SS

SN

SM 

RY 

KV 

I’ll give you a clue. This list includes my precious and current lovers, family members, friends and therapist. Some hurt me, some love and care for me, and some used did both. 

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Where to go from here

How do people manage to continue on? How do they do it?  I don’t get it. 

Now is the time to be focused, put in my 100% and give it my all. 

I’m so tired. In falling back to old habits. 

I didn’t know what to expect after exposing myself to you. I didn’t expect anything at the time. 

Maybe I thought you would care more? 

The past days have been pretty busy for me. Day to night. Meeting people. Trying to showcase the better part of me with the helping alcohol.

I don’t know how to explain it. I feel nothing. 

My friends have their own problems to deal with. Then they blame me when I don’t ask them for help. They get upset when I deal with it myself. 

I really feel like I’m just waiting for each day to end. No longer excited. Nothing to look forward too.

no apologies 

I’m gonna do and say what I want with no apologies. 

You made me fear you. Ensured your words and actions reflected that.

Made me respect you. 

Do not try to make me believe it or force keep to put my heart into it. My mind is my sanctuary, where I am free to think. Free to express. 

You were always so picture perfect. The role model. Image of purity. Refinement. 

I am never going back. Blood can only go so far. 

First loves

Tale as old as time. True as it can be. 

Barely working out, then someone breaks down, unexpectedly. 

Just a little change, small to say the least. Both scared, neither one prepared.

Reality hitting you, finally. No longer your source of pride and joy. 

Now I’m thinking your love is no longer guaranteed. 

I reached out a long time ago, told you it was more complex than what you believed. But you shut it down. You shut it down. You only focused on the actions you perceived I did. You never bother to think about the consequences of what you and daddy said. 

priorities

You should not be mad at me. Yeah. Exactly. I’m not. In fact I fucking applaud you. I’m so happy to hear that baby. Fucking fantastic. Ha ha. You need to postpone speaking to me? Yes go ahead! Need to move it again to another day? Yes, sure, absolutely! No problem at all.

In fact sweetheart, why don’t we move it to next week? Or the month after that? Or in fact why don’t we speak in one year from now?

I mean of course I understand, we both have lives, both have things to do, it’s not problem especially since you are thousands of miles away, what’s the problem with prolonging our calls?

We don’t need to update each other, we have no need to talk everyday. Psh.

It’s not a life or death situation. It’s fine baby. You don’t need to keep reasoning with me, make me see your logic, and to understand. You already gave your excuse, I don’t need to hear about it again and again and again.

And to you too. It’s fine. Who cares about postponing our dinners and meetups. Psh. Whatever, its fine.  I get it. You don’t need to elaborate so much about your excuses.

I am just here, learning, observing. Gaining a full understanding of the situation and where your priorities lie during my time of need. The time when I need someone the most. Thank you for helping me see the light.

Just keep this in mind, remember it so well. When you question and start to doubt my loyalty.

If you don’t start being there, don’t be surprised when someone or something else does.

Talking about you,  Marlboro and  Merlot 😉
I’m coming to see you soon, hope you didn’t miss me too much.

 

now

From the ages 8-12, I was your bitch. You did whatever the fuck you wanted with me. We were so young. You kept me in my place. Making sure I never won. You made me lose. Losing made you humiliate me further. 

Each year was someone new. Someone who would beat me. Made me stay on the ground. Lick it. Reminded me of whom was. 

Parts of my memory is still blocked. But I remember. I remember you touched my early developed breasts, you couldn’t understand. I remember you hurting me. 

Before going to school, I would try to flatten them. So you wouldn’t get mad. So you wouldn’t make me hate myself as much. 

I remember us hanging out into the toilet a lot. I remember being so hungry. You didnt let me eat my packed lunch. Told me I was already so fat. I didn’t need anymore food. You got this wooden Popsicle stick. You looked for a stall where no one flushed yet. I remember you going inside and dipping the stick. You then told me to lick the stick. 

We were just kids. I didn’t understand why you hated me so much. 

Even when I reached out and spoke to others about you, no one believed me. No one could ever think, for just a second, that to you were capable of such things. 

good enough

I gave you all of me but it still wasn’t enough to make too happy. I never measured up. 

I gave you everything. I crossed oceans and fought wars, yet never came close. 

I just want you to look at me, and see that I was good enough.

I kept trying to make you smile. Ended up in tears and fights.  

I kept trying. You kept making me jump through hoops. 

I tried to show you I was strong, why did I even bother?

I tried to show you that I changed. I tried to show you I was smart enough. I tried to show you that I cared so much. Kept trying. 

I dreamt of the day you would realise that I was enough. That you would welcome me with open arms. Accept me as I am. 

I still remember the day I gave up. Yet you still made me be the one to walk away. Made me take the blame. 

Time passed. I’m still here. Waiting for your approval. For you to acknowledge how far I come.