I hate you. I hope you die a painful death. I fucking hate you and those on your side. I hate you, I hate you. I hate what you did. I hate what you caused. I hate everything about you. I hope you are gone forever. I hope one day you get what you deserved. You don’t deserve to just walk away like nothing happened. I deserve to restore my dignity bitch. I lost my entire respect for you and those who protect you. Coward. Have fun hiding for the rest of your life. You know what you really happened. You can try rewriting the story. Continue lying to everyone. To your friends, your parents, your lovers, your future kids. When you make a mistake you should own up to it, asshole. You forced me to go through the entire process, humiliated me. In front of all those people. What will you tell your daughters one day? Your mother? Your sister?
A quick one before I go for lunch.
I don’t know why I always pretend that everything is okay but it’s not. I’m really not okay. I’m not fine. It’s so hard for me to concentrate. To work, to talk, to meet new people, to function.
I used to be so good at socializing and I loved to meet people. I love learning about them and I used to be so open. I was an open book.
Now, my moods changes so much.
Anger. I am so angry. Angry at him, angry at them, angry at myself.
Regret. I should have done it sooner. I should have listened. I should have pushed. I should have ran away.
Disappointment. I cannot believe this happened again. Why didn’t I learn my lesson yet? Am I doing this to myself? Do I think that I am not good enough so I allow myself to go through this again?
Anxious. Am I waiting my opportunities? I’m not performing at best. I know that. They know that. I should be able to deliver no matter what. I’m failing.
I like intense sex. I like hard sex. I like pushing my limits. I like giving myself entirely.losing control but I’m in control. Maybe if I keep re enacting it again and again, I could replace what happened.
Rewriting what happened.
Friendship. I’ve lost quite a bit of friends over the past years, some left the country, some changed, some became too busy to meet me, some became too exhausting to manage. Ever since the incident in April happened I’ve only told a handful of people. This got me thinking, why I chose to share to these individuals, all eleven of them. Out of the eleven, six expressed genuine concern, three made the effort to help me within the first month, and only one continues to check up on me, even his efforts are slowly dying down. This experience made it clear to me how people are. Everyone has their own lives and problem to attend and only have a limited time to share. This is why I’m so happy I am undergoing therapy, fulfills my constant need to express myself.
Shame, what is shame really. During my last two therapy sessions, this has been a topic that was incredibly difficult for me to tackle. Apparently it is one of the root causes of my behaviour. My therapist explained to me that shame is me telling myself that I disappointed at myself and my actions, and I let these experiences impact the way I see myself. This leads to me seeing myself as not good enough. Not good enough for him, for them, for happiness, for success, and for myself. It is one of the reasons I choose to date people I know are bad for me, because I believe I deserve them. It is one of the reasons I allow others to act badly towards me.
Right now, I can honestly say, I am in a relationship with someone I have been always hoping to be with. He is not perfect, but he treats me with respect and dignity. Yet, I find it weird. I do not understand why he chose me, still continues to maintain a relationship with me, even from thousands of miles away. This causes me to feel insecure and doubt him, and not trust him. I want and need to put a stop to this. Stop blaming him for things he has not done. Stop distrusting him when he has given me no reason not to. I understand that I need to learn how to accept and love myself, and know that those experiences and actions should not be allowed to define me. I need to learn to love myself again, before I can accept him loving me. For these reasons, I understand that it is of the utmost importance that I continue to have regular therapy sessions, and understand that I have to tackle my past traumatic experiences in order to have healthy relationships, not just with my boyfriend, but with my family and friends as well.
It is incredible to see how much these life events can affect a person.
I have been going to counseling since I was 16 years old. I was actually forced/pushed/encouraged to go by my former boyfriend. He was worried when I revealed my incidents to him and how I chose to deal with it. I regret still hurting myself even though he tried his best to give me all the support he could. I was selfish. I wanted his attention. I wanted him to love me more by revealing my experiences. After all these years and occurrences, he is still the only man (not related to) who remained in my life. I care for him so much and love him.
I created this blog as an attempt to provide myself an outlet, to voice out how I am REALLY doing.
As of this moment, I am lying on my bed next to my bottle of Merlot, trying to make this pain in my chest go away. I had a boring day at work, I have no idea why I am still working there, well other than the money and keeping myself busy. I had a Turkey sub for lunch, a stupid try to continue with my diet, which was officially destroyed after a dinner of spring rolls and chocolate cake. Why do I even bother fooling myself really.
My sweetheart just informed me that he signed his sales contract today.
Tomorrow will hopefully be a better day, I will see my therapist (which better make up for how broken I felt since the last time I saw her), and then have some drinks with a friend I haven’t seen for a while.