Shame, what is shame really. During my last two therapy sessions, this has been a topic that was incredibly difficult for me to tackle. Apparently it is one of the root causes of my behaviour. My therapist explained to me that shame is me telling myself that I disappointed at myself and my actions, and I let these experiences impact the way I see myself. This leads to me seeing myself as not good enough. Not good enough for him, for them, for happiness, for success, and for myself. It is one of the reasons I choose to date people I know are bad for me, because I believe I deserve them. It is one of the reasons I allow others to act badly towards me.
Right now, I can honestly say, I am in a relationship with someone I have been always hoping to be with. He is not perfect, but he treats me with respect and dignity. Yet, I find it weird. I do not understand why he chose me, still continues to maintain a relationship with me, even from thousands of miles away. This causes me to feel insecure and doubt him, and not trust him. I want and need to put a stop to this. Stop blaming him for things he has not done. Stop distrusting him when he has given me no reason not to. I understand that I need to learn how to accept and love myself, and know that those experiences and actions should not be allowed to define me. I need to learn to love myself again, before I can accept him loving me. For these reasons, I understand that it is of the utmost importance that I continue to have regular therapy sessions, and understand that I have to tackle my past traumatic experiences in order to have healthy relationships, not just with my boyfriend, but with my family and friends as well.
It is incredible to see how much these life events can affect a person.